His death was abrupt, in the middle of my softball practice.
His death was slow, throughout my childhood.
And it's like that - two sides of one event. And there were two sides of one man, too, I think. A monster, someone unfit to be a husband, a father, a member of society. A chronically tormented vet, who quieted his demons with visits to the bottle. And the needle.
There are two sides, too, to the way I feel about him.
Angry. Sympathetic. Wistful. Serene.
Angry. Sympathetic. Wistful. Serene.
My relationship with him is complicated, and probably will be for the rest of my life. Do I hate what he represents? Do I understand how he got that way? Yes and no. Both and neither. He is a puzzle that I'll never be able to solve. He's been gone for nearly half my life, and yet our relationship gets more - not less - complicated with each passing April 6.
I turn thirty this year. When Mike was my age, he was nearing a decade post Vietnam, and I suspect that it was among the wildest times of his life. No responsibilities, the late 1970s, and tormented by his past. He was still a year or two from meeting my mom, and nearly seven years from having me.
It keeps coming back to this: acceptance. He was a complicated man, and my feelings about him are conflicted. But I know this - part of who I am is because of his life... his presence, his absence and everything in between.
I turn thirty this year. When Mike was my age, he was nearing a decade post Vietnam, and I suspect that it was among the wildest times of his life. No responsibilities, the late 1970s, and tormented by his past. He was still a year or two from meeting my mom, and nearly seven years from having me.
It keeps coming back to this: acceptance. He was a complicated man, and my feelings about him are conflicted. But I know this - part of who I am is because of his life... his presence, his absence and everything in between.
Well written post, reflecting your sensitivities and passion. When Mike was 30 he met ME, and I suspect your age 30 will be even more rewarding. Love you daughter!
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