Now that Scott and I have been married for a year and a half, the questions are pouring in about when we are going to start our family.
I've blogged alot about this lately, because the idea is so consuming. I would liken it to being engaged - so much of your life is spent on wedding websites, or reading wedding magazines or books or doing research on the internet. Thinking and dreaming about your wedding day, and setting the balls in motion to make the wedding that best represents you and your fiance. Guest lists, and venues, and dresses, and flowers and photography. And some of these things don't wait until the engagement ring is on your finger. I definitely had ideas about how my wedding day would be well before I was officially planning it.
And in some ways, preparing for motherhood can be like that, too. I feel like I'm solidly in the planning time, before children. Thinking about them, doing research, reading books, and talking to Scott and my mom and my friends that are a step in front of me in that phase. I recently read the "What to Expect Before You're Expecting" book, and I will freely admit that much of the information was completely new to me.
Scott and I have talked about baby names, and how many to have, and what age would be ideal....
But then the conversation stalls, because the simple fact is, I am not ready. Some days I feel ready, and I think, what is the wait? And some days - like today - I feel so horribly and completely not ready, and I worry that I will never be.
I want to be a mother, but I'm scared. I'm scared that I lack the patience, or that I'll be a bad one, or that I'll pass along all of my negative traits to my child. I'm scared of giving up my lifestyle. I'm scared of being pregnant. I'm scared of giving birth. I'm scared that my relationship with absolutely everyone will change. I'm scared of being uncomfortable and sleep deprived.
Just reading that paragraph makes me cringe. It sounds so... childish? Selfish? And it is both of those thing. But they are my feelings, and I feel both too childish and too selfish to start a family - yet. But along with the fear, selfishness, trepidation... is also excitement, anticipation, eagerness.
I do want to be a mom, and I want to see Scott be a dad. I want to have a child together that we raise and form and create a family with. And I think it does show my strength to say that I know that I don't know anything about being a parent. But I'll figure it out, in the same way that I've attempted to figure out the "wife" thing. I'll research and think and contemplate and discuss and go with my gut.
And I think that embracing these feelings, and acknowleding them, goes along way in overcoming them.
So that is the long answer to the children question.
Or just ask me again tomorrow.