Friday, April 6, 2012

twelve years

It's been twelve years since Mike Maloney breathed air in to his lungs.  Twelve years since he said "hello" to any of his three kids.  Twelve years since he saw our faces.  Twelve years since we saw his.

It's been twelve years since the doctor called our house, asked for my mom and told her the news.  Twelve years since we played "I'll be missing you" at his funeral.  Twelve years since two boys lost their dad.   

It's been twelve years since his addiction robbed me.  It's been twelve years since alcoholism, and drug abuse spit in my face.  It's been twelve years since I received an American flag while Taps was played.

Twelve years is a lifetime.  Twelve years is nothing.

If it had been a car accident, would twelve years feel so angry?  If it had been cancer, would twelve years feel so indifferent?  

Twelve years have gone by, and I feel like it's been twelve minutes.  Twelve years have gone by, and I feel like it's been twelve times twelve years.  

If he was here, would I want him to be?  If he was here, would I know him?

Twelve years have gone by, and I hate him.  

Twelve years have gone by, and I love him.

Twelve years have gone by, and I miss him. 

2 comments:

  1. Twelve …it has such meaning! 12 inches in a foot, 12 hours on a clock, 12 months in a year, 12 notes in an octave, the 12 apostles...you have had 12 years to grapple with Mike's passing and what it seems to me is that the lessons are many - and you've picked up on them: it's very difficult to be loving if you aren't loving yourself; addictions steal; and death changes everything – or does it? All that I loved is still with me – in your stalwart politicking, in Matt’s quick wit, in Joe’s curiosity – and in that notable Maloney chin – and I get the gift of seeing Mike in each of you when I least expect it. What a gift! The spirit never dies…feel it? Love you my sweet daughter!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This made me cry, Kate. I liked Mike a lot. He was always very nice to me. But his pain and
      sadness caused great pain and sadness and I'm sorry about that.

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